we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
