U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
