just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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