I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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