i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
