i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
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Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
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So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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