I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
my poor anus
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
