Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
