my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
