So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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