can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If I die, sorry about rent.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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