you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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