a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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