Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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