I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
