so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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