the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
