This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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