see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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