You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
