Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
