the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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