I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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