He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
