I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
