I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
