bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
