it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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