There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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