Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
