I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it's great music for shaving your balls
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
