This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i now understand why vodka
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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