did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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