i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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