ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize