He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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