textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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