Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
