soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
