you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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