im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
