he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
