I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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