my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
