guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize