Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
