my phone needs a breathalizer
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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