he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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