My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
