If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
