I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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