hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I deserve this hangover.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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