Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
