Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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