I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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