I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
