Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
